Pt2/Too many people ~ xXLagrimaXx

Don't talk to me. No, I'm good. I'm fine. I don't know why I'm irritated. Nobody even did anything. Lord... Give me a minute. Walk through the door and I feel it begin, Heart starts racing, irritation kicks in, Everybody talking, everybody moving, Everybody asking questions I'm not even choosing. "How you doing?" I'm good. "What's wrong?" Nothing. "Why you looking like that?" I SAID I'M FINE! And I don't even know why I snapped, Nobody attacked me, nobody did anything bad, But something in my head just flipped that switch, Now I'm standing in the room like— GET ME THE HELL OUT OF THIS! Too many voices, too many sounds, Too many people moving all around, Too many questions, too many eyes, Too much happening at the same damn time. And I know they ain't the enemy. I KNOW. But something inside me keeps screaming— LEAVE! And I hate it... Because I want connection. I want somebody near me. But when somebody gets close... Something in me wants to disappear. So I pray— "Jesus, give me peace." TOO MANY PEOPLE! TOO MUCH NOISE! TOO MANY VOICES FIGHTING FOR A CHOICE! TOO MANY QUESTIONS! GET OUT OF MY HEAD! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I'M THIS PISSED! NOBODY DID NOTHING! NOBODY HURT ME! SO WHY THE HELL DO I FEEL LIKE I'M ABOUT TO BURST?! TOO MANY PEOPLE! TOO MUCH EVERYTHING! I WANT SOMEBODY CLOSE— THEN I WANT EVERYBODY GONE! Somebody laughs and I'm already annoyed, Somebody walks too close and I'm avoiding the noise, Phone keeps ringing, somebody needs something, My mind's screaming— "WHY DOES EVERYBODY NEED SOMETHING?!" I know how it looks. I know I shouldn't feel this way. But tell that to my brain when it's already overloaded. Every little sound starts feeling like a fire, Jaw getting tighter, anger climbing higher. Then I see the look— "What's wrong with you?" I DON'T KNOW! That's the worst part! I'm angry before I know I'm angry, Then ashamed because I know I had no reason, Then angry at myself for being angry in the first place! Lord, I don't want this! I DON'T WANT THIS! I DON'T WANT TO HURT ANYBODY! I JUST WANT SOME SPACE! BUT EVERY TIME I RUN AWAY— I END UP IN THE SAME PLACE! TOO MANY PEOPLE! TOO MUCH NOISE! TOO MANY VOICES FIGHTING FOR A CHOICE! TOO MANY QUESTIONS! GET OUT OF MY HEAD! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I'M THIS PISSED! NOBODY DID NOTHING! NOBODY HURT ME! SO WHY THE HELL DO I FEEL LIKE I'M ABOUT TO BURST?! TOO MANY PEOPLE! TOO MUCH EVERYTHING! I WANT SOMEBODY CLOSE— THEN I WANT EVERYBODY GONE! And here's what I don't understand... I spent half my life saying, "Why does nobody see me?" "Why does nobody stay?" "Why am I always alone?" Then somebody gets close... And I want them to go away. What the hell is wrong with me? Maybe I'm not angry at them. Maybe I'm angry at everything I never got to say. Maybe the room isn't the problem. Maybe my mind learned to treat the room like a battlefield. Lord... Teach me the difference between danger and discomfort. Teach me to breathe before I SO DON'T TELL ME— "CALM DOWN!" I'M TRYING! DON'T TELL ME— "JUST RELAX!" I'M TRYING! DON'T TELL ME— "THERE'S NOTHING WRONG!" I KNOW! I KNOW! THAT'S WHAT MAKES IT WORSE! NOBODY DID ANYTHING! AND I'M STILL FIGHTING SOMETHING! BUT I WON'T LET MY ANGER BECOME MY MASTER! So maybe I need to learn what these feelings really mean, Before I turn another person into somebody I don't need, Before I build another wall and call it keeping peace, Before I push somebody away and wonder why they leave. Maybe I can walk outside without running from the crowd, Feel the anger in my chest without letting it come out. Maybe I can say— "GIVE ME A MINUTE." Instead of making somebody pay for something they never did. I don't want to be isolated, begging for love while pushing everybody away. I don't want these walls. I don't want this rage. I don't want every crowded room to feel like a cage. So Jesus, give me patience. Give me wisdom. Give me peace. Help me fight what's happening inside without making enemies of the people in front of me. TOO MANY PEOPLE! TOO MUCH NOISE! TOO MANY VOICES FIGHTING FOR A CHOICE! TOO MANY QUESTIONS! TOO MUCH IN MY HEAD! BUT I'M LEARNING I DON'T HAVE TO LET IT WIN! NOBODY DID NOTHING! NOBODY HURT ME! SO I'M LEARNING NOT TO MAKE THEM PAY FOR WHAT'S BURIED! TOO MANY PEOPLE! TOO MUCH EVERYTHING! I WANT SOMEBODY CLOSE— AND I'M LEARNING I DON'T HAVE TO RUN! Maybe tomorrow I'll walk into that room... And not hate everybody in it. Maybe I'll understand what's happening inside me before I explode. Maybe... I don't need to disappear. Maybe I just need to learn how to stay. Jesus... One day at a time.