Hell sits closer

They tell me heaven is above me. Funny. I’ve spent my whole life looking down. Because hell sits closer. I know the way to darkness better than I know the way to peace. I know how to disappear when somebody gets too close to me. I know how to turn a memory into something that won’t let me sleep. I know how to hurt myself with thoughts without ever making a sound. Nobody has to drag me down. I know the way. HELL SITS CLOSER THAN HEAVEN, I CAN FEEL IT BREATHING NEXT TO ME. HEAVEN FEELS LIKE SOMETHING I’M STILL LEARNING HOW TO BELIEVE. HELL KNOWS ALL MY SECRETS, HELL KNOWS EXACTLY WHERE I BLEED. WHEN I’M LOST INSIDE MYSELF, HELL IS ALWAYS THERE TO MEET ME. HELL SITS CLOSER. Thaumiel tells me I’m alone. Sathariel says, “Don’t let them in.” Ghogiel changes every memory until I don’t know where the truth begins. Gamaliel gives me somewhere else to go when being here becomes too much. Gamchicoth whispers, “One more thing, and maybe then you’ll feel enough.” Samael knows my weakest thoughts. He keeps them underneath my tongue. Thagirion holds up the mirror and asks me who I’ve become. Lilith sits beside the bed with every part I learned to hide. She doesn’t scare me anymore. She just looks like the part of me I abandoned inside. HELL SITS CLOSER THAN HEAVEN, I CAN FEEL IT BREATHING NEXT TO ME. HEAVEN FEELS LIKE SOMETHING I’M STILL LEARNING HOW TO BELIEVE. HELL KNOWS ALL MY SECRETS, HELL KNOWS EXACTLY WHERE I BLEED. WHEN I’M LOST INSIDE MYSELF, HELL IS ALWAYS THERE TO MEET ME. Maybe that’s what scares me most. Not the Devil. Not the demons. Not death. It’s how familiar the darkness feels. How easy it is to hate myself. How natural it feels to expect people to leave. How quickly I believe every cruel thing I say about myself. And how hard it is to believe anything good. HELL DOESN’T HAVE TO FIND ME. I CARRY IT. I FEED IT. I GIVE IT A NAME AND CALL IT “ME.” Guitar crashes. BUT I’M NOT THE FEAR. I’M NOT THE SHAME. I’M NOT THE VOICE THAT TELLS ME I’LL NEVER CHANGE. If heaven is somewhere I have to climb toward… then maybe I don’t need to reach it tonight. Maybe I just need to stop walking toward hell. One step. That’s all. HELL SITS CLOSER THAN HEAVEN, BUT CLOSER DOESN’T MEAN IT’S HOME. I’VE SPENT SO MANY YEARS BELIEVING DARKNESS WAS ALL I’D KNOW. HELL KNOWS ALL MY SECRETS, BUT IT DOESN’T GET TO KEEP THEM. I CAN FEEL THE NIGHT AROUND ME WITHOUT LETTING IT BECOME ME. HELL SITS CLOSER. HEAVEN FEELS FAR AWAY. BUT TONIGHT I’M NOT GOING EITHER WAY. Guitar fades to one sustained note. The demons are still whispering. The sky is still dark. But for the first time… I’m standing still. And somewhere above me, there’s a light I don’t have to understand yet. I just have to keep looking up.