007 Building Empathy for Our Estranged Children with guest Kyle Turner

Episode Summary How do you build empathy for a child who has cut you off? Kyle Turner is a licensed professional counselor who has spent more than 20 years working with estranged parents and estranged adult children. He joins Mark Whitlock to look at what may be going on in the hearts of our beloved strangers. Kyle walks through five self-examination questions drawn from The Anatomy of Peace. He explains why validation isn't the same as agreement and shows the difference between a healthy boundary and an ultimatum. He also shares what estranged children have told him in counseling, and he offers hope to parents who are still waiting, along with permission to grieve. Reach Mark at hopeforestrangedparents.com Reach Kyle at kyleturnercounseling.com We pray for every estranged child and parent. If you would like for us to pray by name, please leave a comment or send a private message at Mark's website. About Kyle Turner Kyle Turner has worked as a counselor in the Nashville area for longer than 20 years. He works with individuals dealing with the effects of trauma, couples in crisis, and families struggling to connect. One of Kyle's favorite parts of his work is watching the tragedies of life become resilience, character, and hope in his clients' lives. He considers it an honor and a privilege to help people find their way out of dark places and toward hope. His approach Kyle's approach to counseling is practical and personal. His clients describe his style as conversational rather than clinical, and he agrees. He tries to be himself in sessions and lets his clients be themselves. He provides individual, marital, and family counseling, drawing on Internal Family Systems (IFS), eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). Resources Mentioned The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict by the Arbinger Institute (Kyle names C. Terry Warner as the main mind behind it). Mark recommends the audiobook. John and Julie Gottman's "Four Horsemen" research, plus their videos on YouTube Boundaries, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend Matthew 7:3–5, the speck and the plank Mark's recent devotional on the plank-and-eye principle, "What's in My Eye?" Mark's earlier interview with betrayal counselor Kirsten Samuel, "How Children React ot Hard News" Hope for Estranged Parents: wmarkwhitlock.substack.com Prayer offer: Mark and Heather pray for every parent who shares their story with them. FULL EPISODE SUMMARY Start with Your Own Heart Kyle starts with The Anatomy of Peace from the Arbinger Institute. The book's main idea is that conflict starts in the heart, before any words are spoken. A "heart at war" turns the other person into an object: the jerk, the problem, the ungrateful kid. A "heart at peace" sees them as someone who matters just as much as we do. In estrangement, Kyle says, conflict is a given, so the work begins with us. How is my heart toward my child right now? Five questions for self-examination Kyle paraphrases five questions from the book: How are you hurting? What are your struggles? How have I added to that pain? How have I hurt you in the past? (Is there a pattern?) What am I doing now that gets in the way of resolution? How am I "warring" with you? What should I be doing now? Then do it. If we answer the first four honestly, Kyle says, our hearts should be at or near peace, and the fifth question points to the next step. Why Looking Inward is so Hard Mark connects this to Jesus's teaching in Matthew 7 about the speck and the plank, which is also the subject of a recent devotion of his. Kyle explains that our view is limited. We know our own hurt, we dig in on our side of the coin, and above all we want to be heard. When we don't feel heard, we get defensive. SEE THE DEVOTIONAL, "WHAT'S IN YOUR EYE?" When You Don't Know What You Did Many parents tell Mark they have no idea what caused the rift. Kyle suggests asking for outside perspective. Trusted friends and family, or even your child's close friends, may be able to shed light on what you can't see. When You Feel Falsely Accused Kyle introduces the "Four Horsemen" from relationship researchers John and Julie Gottman. One of the four is defensiveness, which usually shows up in response to criticism. The antidote is to "own what you can own," even if that isn't the whole thing. He tells the Gottmans' lunch story to show how a gentle "I" statement and a small act of ownership can calm a tense moment. The formula is 00:00 Welcome And Where To Find Help 02:12 Start With Your Heart First 03:58 Five Questions That Grow Empathy 08:01 When You Truly Do Not Know Why 10:22 Defensiveness And Owning Your Part 13:09 Preparing For The First Coffee Meeting 15:24 Handling An Incendiary Letter 18:52 Boundaries Versus Ultimatums 23:20 When Boundaries Feel Unreasonable 26:41 Step Parents Abuse And Betrayal 29:10 Repentance Forgiveness And Softening 32:41 Hope Grief Core Principles And Prayer