Finding Myself

[Extended – starts quiet, Thump… thump… What's going on inside my head? So many things I never said. I'm trying to make sense of it all, Trying to catch myself before I fall. I don't always know what I need, I don't always know what I feel. Sometimes I say that I'm okay When I'm only trying to heal. It's not always easy To look after myself. Sometimes I forget my own needs While I'm worrying about everybody else. I keep putting myself aside, Like my feelings don't belong. I keep telling myself I'm fine, When I've been holding this too long. [Beat builds] But I'm tired… I'm tired of hiding. I'm tired… Of always fighting. I'm tired of people saying They understand what's in my head When they don't see the thoughts That keep me awake in bed. I'm tired of being misunderstood, Tired of feeling out of place. Tired of looking in the mirror And struggling to know my own face. [Drums hit harder] I don't want to disappear! I don't want to lose myself! I don't want to keep pretending That I don't need any help! I don't want to be the person Who gets hurt just to be seen. I don't want to keep on breaking Just to prove what I mean! [Heavy breakdown] THUMP! I'm still here! THUMP! I'm still breathing! THUMP! I'm still fighting! THUMP! I'm still healing! You don't get to tell me What I feel inside. You don't get to erase me Every time I try to hide. Because sometimes I need a moment. Sometimes I need to breathe. Sometimes I need to step away So I can come back to me. And if I don't have the answers, That doesn't mean I've lost. I'm learning how to care for myself No matter what it costs. [Beat drops – almost silent] Maybe I'm not who I was. Maybe I've changed along the way. Maybe all the things that hurt me Left a mark I can't erase. But I don't have to stay broken. I don't have to stay afraid. I can take the smallest step And still call that progress made. [Beat slowly rises] One breath… One step… One day… One moment… I'm trying. Even when it's difficult, Even when I feel alone, Even when my mind gets louder Than the voice I've always known. I'm trying to look after myself. I'm trying to understand. I'm trying to stop believing That I have to hurt to make a stand. [Final heavy rise] So hear me now! I'M STILL HERE! I'M STILL ME! Even if I can't see it, There's still something underneath. I'M STILL HERE! I'M STILL FREE! I'm taking back the pieces That I thought I'd lost completely. I'm not perfect! I'm not healed! But everything I'm feeling Is something I can feel. And tomorrow might be difficult, But tomorrow isn't here. Right now I've got this heartbeat— And right now I'm still here. THUMP… THUMP… THUMP… [Silence] I'm still here.