why i quit journalling after 14 years of keeping a diary

why do we track the things we do? why do we feel the need to record every single action of ours? are any habits truly good for us? well, these are a few questions I asked myself recently and here’s what i realised: tracking my days and habits in my journal felt really enjoyable. day & night, i could journal for hours. i wrote all about my days, the friends i met, the conversations i had, the meal i ate, the clothes i wore, even whether i drank enough water that day and how many hours of sleep i got. until it went too far. if i didn’t track something in my journal, it was as if to say that it wasn’t important to me or that i didn’t give it its due justice. as if i was ungrateful towards that activity and was letting it vanish into thin air and be… forgotten. GASP my biggest fear: forgetting things. something about the school system prioritizing memorization paired with the pressure from my family to perform well at school and extracurriculars led me to develop an over-dependence on my memory. it got to a point where it wasn’t just a tool for me anymore but a weapon. it started off innocently with memorizing pages of my textbook until i realised that it was getting easy for me. I had a near-eidetic memory and that’s part of the reason why i cruised through school. but this trick led to fear. i was scared of what would happen if my memory failed me because of my over-reliance on it, and guess what? I really didn’t want to find out what happened if i forgot something… anything! so i dwelled upon topics much longer than i needed to, i replayed every event that occured in my day over and over and over before i fell asleep. it was so intense that i could remember every single conversation i had with people to the extent that i could quote them! this developed hardcore coping mechanism, you could even call it an addiction. i was addicted to controlling the narrative - i was using my memory to win arguments, have the last say in conversations and just keep a mental note of every time i was wronged. it was unhealthy and i couldn’t help it - this is what my journalling had turned into: an obsession. this is my story of how and why i made the decision to quit journalling. or at least take a break till i can break my habits. seemingly good habits may not be so good for you after all.