Why You Say Sorry When It’s Not Your Fault

#psychology #apologizing #peoplepleasing Why You Say Sorry When It’s Not Your Fault In this video, we break down why you apologize to chairs, to people who stepped on your foot, and at the start of almost every email. We start with Karina Schumann and Michael Ross’s 2010 diary study, which found that people who apologize more don’t do more wrong, they simply have a lower threshold for what counts as a mistake. Then the inner smoke detector that rings for candles instead of real smoke. From there, five reasons you can’t stop saying sorry: an alarm set too low, keeping the peace and Pete Walker’s fawn response, Geraldine Downey and Scott Feldman’s research on rejection sensitivity, Alison Wood Brooks’s “sorry about the rain” experiment showing why sorry sometimes works, and the feeling that you take up too much space. Then Tyler Okimoto’s research on the hidden cost every apology carries, and five ways to reset your alarm: counting your sorries, swapping sorry for thank you, running the threshold test, letting the silence sit, and saving real apologies for real mistakes. If you’ve spent years apologizing for simply being yourself, I hope this changed that a little. You were never too much. You were taught to make yourself smaller than you are. Which of the five reasons makes you apologize the most? The alarm set too low, keeping the peace, scanning for rejection, sorry that sometimes works, or feeling like you take up too much space? Tell me in the comments. And here’s a small challenge: write your comment without a single sorry in it. Let’s see how it feels. You were watching Mind Doodles, and I’ll see you in the next one. #psychology #apologizing #peoplepleasing #selfworth #boundaries #confidence #mentalhealth #psychologyfacts #minddoodles Research referenced: Schumann, K., & Ross, M. (2010). Why women apologize more than men: Gender differences in thresholds for perceiving offensive behavior. Psychological Science. Walker, P. (2013). Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. Azure Coyote Publishing. Keltner, D., & Buswell, B. N. (1997). Embarrassment: Its distinct form and appeasement functions. Psychological Bulletin. Downey, G., & Feldman, S. I. (1996). Implications of rejection sensitivity for intimate relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Brooks, A. W., Dai, H., & Schweitzer, M. E. (2014). I’m sorry about the rain! Superfluous apologies demonstrate empathic concern and increase trust. Social Psychological and Personality Science. Okimoto, T. G., Wenzel, M., & Hedrick, K. (2013). Refusing to apologize can have psychological benefits (and we issue no mea culpa for this research finding). European Journal of Social Psychology. You, Y., Yang, X., Wang, L., & Deng, X. (2020). When and why saying “thank you” is better than saying “sorry” in redressing service failures: The role of self-esteem. Journal of Marketing. Lewicki, R. J., Polin, B., & Lount, R. B., Jr. (2016). An exploration of the structure of effective apologies. Negotiation and Conflict Management Research. Montaigne, M. de. Of Solitude. Essays. Disclaimer: This video is for educational and informational purposes only and does not constitute professional psychological or medical advice. If over-apologizing comes with constant anxiety, fear of conflict or fear of being left, please reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional.