Who Said You “Should” Be That?

Have you ever felt like you should be further along, more certain, more successful—or simply better at something by now? Sometimes the pressure to have it figured out isn’t coming from what we actually want. It’s coming from a story about who we think we’re supposed to be. In this episode of Don’t Cut Your Own Bangs, therapist and speaker Danielle Ireland sits down with Rev. Hazel Owens, MDiv., LMFT—therapist, minister, speaker, and founder of Owens Counseling and Consulting—for a conversation about perfectionism, curiosity, authenticity, fear, alignment, and what it means to remain a student even as you become an expert. At one point, Danielle realizes that the part of her trying to be perfect may actually be trying to outrun rejection or abandonment. Hazel takes that realization one step further: What happens when we're so afraid of someone else rejecting us that we begin abandoning ourselves? And whenever Hazel hears herself—or one of her clients—say: “Well, I should be…” Her question is simple: “To who? Who said that?” That question becomes the heartbeat of a much bigger conversation about whose expectations we're living by, how to tell the difference between a good opportunity and an aligned opportunity, and why knowing yourself doesn't require having yourself completely figured out. In This Episode Why expertise and curiosity don't have to cancel each other out How perfectionism can become an attempt to outrun rejection, abandonment, or the fear that we're not enough Why Hazel asks “Who said that?” whenever she hears the words “I should be…” How to distinguish something that's genuinely good from something that's actually right and aligned for you How turning “What if?” into “Even if…” can help you move forward without waiting for fear to disappear Hazel also shares what she would tell herself ten years ago: Keep going. Continue to do it scared. Be authentically you. Someone likes the flavor you bring—and somebody may not. Because somebody else's preference doesn't require you to sell yourself short. Maybe becoming really good at something doesn't mean reaching a point where there's nothing left to learn. Maybe you can own what you know while leaving a little room in the cup for another person, another experience, your faith, or life itself to teach you something you haven't learned yet. And maybe the people who help us most aren't always the ones who convince us to trust them. Sometimes they're the people who create enough safety, curiosity, and space that we begin to hear ourselves more clearly. CONNECT WITH HAZEL OWENS Website: https://www.hazelowens.com/ Instagram:   / _hazelowens   LinkedIn:   / hazel-owens-mdiv-lmft-04ab2546   YouTube:    / @hazelowens   CONNECT WITH DANIELLE + DON’T CUT YOUR OWN BANGS Website: https://danielleireland.com Podcast Archive: https://danielleireland.com/podcast/ Instagram:   / dontcutyourownbangs   TikTok:   / dontcutyourownbangspod   YouTube: ‪@DontCutYourOwnBangs‬ Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/0VFZulo... Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast... The Treasured Journal: https://danielleireland.com/journal Wrestling a Walrus: https://danielleireland.com/wrestling... A QUESTION FOR YOU Where has the word “should” been getting particularly loud in your life lately? I should be further along. I should know this by now. I should want this. I should say yes. Before you try to fix anything, borrow Hazel's question: Who said that? Tell us in the comments—or simply take the question with you. #Perfectionism #SelfTrust #PersonalGrowth #EmotionalWellbeing #DontCutYourOwnBangs YouTube Chapters 00:00 Who said you “should”? 01:20 Meet Rev. Hazel Owens 05:25 What it means to remain a student 10:42 When expertise meets curiosity 16:18 Learning, growth, and becoming a beginner again 23:52 “I like fumbling” 29:48 Is it good—or is it aligned with you? 33:46 Perfectionism and outrunning abandonment 34:29 Who said you “should” be that? 37:38 Choosing your growth edge 41:42 Turn “what if” into “even if” 44:17 Keep doing it scared 47:12 Hazel’s Don’t Cut Your Own Bangs moment