Dementia Care, Boundaries and Family Conflict with Lisa Daniels - Part 2

In Part 2 of Andy Baker’s conversation with Lisa Daniels, the focus moves from diagnosis and grief into the day-to-day emotional reality of caring for someone living with dementia. Lisa and Andy explore why caregivers often feel guilty for needing a break, why saying “I can’t do this today” can actually be a healthy boundary, and how family relationships can become strained when siblings or relatives experience the same dementia journey very differently. Lisa shares her own experience of feeling relief during COVID when she was temporarily unable to visit her mother in care - and the guilt that came with that relief. The episode also explores family conflict, communication patterns, Transactional Analysis, ego states and how counselling can help families understand why conversations keep breaking down. This episode is particularly useful for family carers, sandwich carers, professional caregivers and anyone who feels emotionally exhausted, guilty or stuck while supporting someone living with dementia. In This Episode Andy and Lisa explore: • Why no two dementia experiences are truly the same • Setting boundaries without feeling selfish • Recognising when you are not emotionally able to visit • Why caregivers need permission to put themselves first sometimes • Relief, guilt and complicated emotions during caregiving • Creating quality interactions instead of forcing long visits • How to make visits more meaningful • Using activities, meals and touch to create connection • Family conflict between siblings and relatives • The Drama Triangle in dementia caregiving • Financial decisions and disagreements around care • How counselling can support difficult family conversations • Transactional Analysis and ego states • Parent, Adult and Child communication patterns • How dementia can change the way conversations are reciprocated • Why emotional support after diagnosis is often missing • The importance of individualised counselling • Taking the first step when you feel you cannot carry the load anymore Three Key Messages 1. Boundaries are part of good caregiving. If you are exhausted, angry or emotionally overwhelmed, taking a break may protect both you and the person you support. 2. Family members can experience the same dementia journey very differently. Distance, gender roles, history, personality and grief can all shape how people respond, which is why sibling conflict is so common. 3. Communication patterns matter. Understanding how we move between Parent, Adult and Child ego states can help families recognise why conversations escalate and how to respond differently. Why Listen to This Episode? Listen if you: • Feel guilty for needing time away from your loved one • Are struggling to set boundaries • Feel relief when you do not have to visit, then feel guilty about that relief • Are arguing with siblings about who should provide care • Feel like one person in the family is doing everything • Find visits uncomfortable or emotionally draining • Want to understand Transactional Analysis and communication patterns • Feel emotionally exhausted and unsure how much longer you can continue • Work with families and want to understand the hidden emotional pressures behind caregiving The episode offers an important reminder that good dementia care is not about sacrificing yourself completely. Sustainable care depends on recognising your own needs, limits and emotional wellbeing too. Timestamps / Chapters 00:00 - Why no two dementia journeys are the same Sameness in diagnosis does not mean sameness in experience. 00:18 - Boundaries in dementia caregiving Why saying “I can’t do this today” is not the same as abandoning someone. 01:53 - Giving yourself permission not to visit What good will actually come from the visit if you are already overwhelmed? 03:08 - Relief and guilt during COVID Lisa shares the difficult truth that part of her felt relieved not to have to visit. 04:14 - Sandwich carers and competing responsibilities Trying to be emotionally present for children while worrying about a parent. 05:25 - Making visits more intentional Why activity, mealtimes or practical tasks can make visits easier. 07:00 - Connection without conversation Touch, presence and recognising familiarity even when words have gone. 08:06 - Family conflict and sibling dynamics Why dementia can expose long-standing differences within families. 09:46 - The Drama Triangle Victim, persecutor and rescuer roles in caregiving relationships. 11:33 - Financi...