I'm spider man but i torture innocent people for fun and have gun

DUDE why are you looking at the description DUDE!!! "The Great Cheese Incident of Tuesday" Nobody knew why the cheese was screaming. It was 7:43 in the morning when Gerald opened his refrigerator and heard a tiny voice yell: “PUT ME BACK, BALD MAN!” Gerald immediately closed the fridge. Then he opened it again. The cheese was still there. “Did... did you just talk?” Gerald asked. “No,” said the cheese. Gerald nodded. “Understandable.” He grabbed the cheese and placed it on the kitchen counter. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” screamed the cheese. “Okay, so you are talking.” “NO I'M NOT.” Gerald stared at it. The cheese stared back, despite not having eyes. This went on for approximately eleven minutes. Eventually, Gerald decided he was late for work and put the cheese in his pocket. Big mistake. At work, Gerald was supposed to be an accountant, but nobody had ever actually seen him do accounting. He mostly sat at his desk and wondered if fish got thirsty. At 9:12 AM, his boss walked over. “Gerald, where are the quarterly reports?” Gerald froze. The cheese whispered from his pocket. “Tell him you ate them.” Gerald nodded. “I ate them.” His boss stared at him. “You ate... twelve hundred pages of financial documents?” Gerald looked down at his pocket. The cheese whispered again. “Say they were delicious.” “They were delicious.” Gerald was fired immediately. “WORTH IT!” yelled the cheese. “It wasn't even your job!” “I DON'T PAY TAXES, GERALD!” With nothing left to lose, Gerald and the cheese decided to go on an adventure. They walked to the park, where they encountered a pigeon wearing a tiny cowboy hat. The pigeon looked at Gerald. Gerald looked at the pigeon. The cheese looked at the pigeon somehow. “Howdy,” said the pigeon. “Howdy,” said Gerald. The cheese screamed. The pigeon screamed back. And suddenly, for absolutely no reason, the ground began to shake. From behind a bush emerged... A VERY LARGE SPOON. Nobody was holding it. It just stood there. Menacingly. Gerald pointed at it. “What is that?” The pigeon adjusted his cowboy hat. “That,” he said, “is Kevin.” The spoon slowly turned toward them. “Hello,” said Kevin. The cheese fainted. “Cheese can't faint,” Gerald said. “WATCH ME.” The cheese somehow fainted harder. Kevin the Spoon explained that the entire universe was in danger. Gerald gasped. “OH NO!” “Yeah,” said Kevin. “Someone left the microwave running.” Gerald gasped again. “OH NO TIMES TWO!” The pigeon pulled out a map. Unfortunately, it was a map of Texas from 1847 and was completely useless. They followed it anyway. After walking for three days, fighting seventeen ducks, and accidentally becoming the mayor of a small town, they finally arrived at the microwave. It was sitting in the middle of a field. Still running. Inside was... A single chicken nugget. Gerald slowly opened the microwave. DING. The universe exploded. Gerald woke up in his bed. He sighed with relief. “Just a dream.” Then he opened his refrigerator. The cheese looked at him. Gerald looked at the cheese. The cheese took a deep breath. “PUT ME BACK, BALD MAN!” Gerald screamed. The cheese screamed. Somewhere in the distance, a pigeon whispered: “Howdy.” THE END. 🧀