attachment

todya I was journaling and realized at the root of a lot of what I do is wanting to be recognized by others, to be accepted and loved by them. I'm not exactly sure where It comes from. its not really love, more like safety, never needing to worry about it again. i feel lonely but the solution isn't to connect with more people since I just push them away in the end. i think part of the reason making (and posting) music has become core for me is because it feels like i could find that security in it. I think it comes from feeling accepted and recognized in online communities earlier in life, i didn't know how to address issues with irls and beign able to talk about those emotions with people online solidified it as a place to seek refuge, along with the fact that youre stimulated to hell and dont' really need to worry about feeling it if you dont want to. I wonder what avoidant people who cant get therapy do, probably just hate their wives. Im working on honesty, I havent made any progress, but I think i'll need to be able to tell someone to their face when they irritate or offend me, or when I am not enjoying their presence. Man fuck this is difficult. I think too much, but i also have a lot of thinking ahead of me, I guess feeling, but all i know how to do is think, I ahve to think about how to feel first, then feel, then maybe be ok. I'm not ok now. But thtat sok. everything is ok. I'm just typing like this because its a shitpost and its funny I'm not schizo. (period to show I can use proper grammar) #nettspendissober #nettspend