The Friend You're Not Sure About Anymore

Not every friendship ends with a falling-out. Some quietly drift. Some go on pause. Some still exist on paper, with birthday texts and the occasional "we should get together!", while the emotional closeness has faded. In this episode, Jessica and Kelly talk about friendship ambiguity: the friendships that leave you unsure where you stand, how you feel, or whether anything needs to be said at all. Jessica introduces ambiguous loss, a concept from psychologist Pauline Boss's work in the 1970s. It describes grief that has no clear resolution, no funeral, and no script for closure. It was first applied to dementia and missing persons, and Jessica explains why it also fits the friend who slowly drifted but never actually left. Kelly pushes back in her own way. Does drifting always feel like loss? Or can a friendship simply evolve, rest, or go on pause without anything being wrong? The sisters compare their very different approaches. Kelly tends not to overthink it and lets some friendships fade on their own. Jessica wrestles with guilt, obligation, and a newer midlife phenomenon: the sudden "ick," when you realize you just don't have the energy for someone anymore, even though nothing specific happened. They also look at the other side of ambiguity: what to do when you miss someone and the time gap makes reaching out feel awkward. In This Episode • (00:05) Why we chose friendship ambiguity, and second-guessing a script written months ago • (00:57) Ambiguous loss: Pauline Boss's framework and why it applies to friendships • (02:06) Friendship as work, and when we're not always doing the work • (03:18) Friendships "on pause": growing up moving around, and staying close to friends you rarely see • (04:30) Seasonal communities, like sports team families, and the quiet loss when a season ends • (05:08) Why our brains find uncertainty so uncomfortable • (06:40) Should you ask "are we okay?" or let it be? • (07:37) Kelly's no-overthinking strategy, conflict avoidance, and attachment styles • (09:01) Flipping it: what to do when you miss a friend and feel weird reaching out • (10:48) The midlife "ick," running out of energy for certain relationships, and being an empath • (12:00) Free resource: The Friendship Audit • (12:45) Coming up next week Key Takeaways • Not all distance is loss. Some friendships go on pause and pick up right where they left off. Others quietly fade. Knowing which is which can ease a lot of anxiety. • Ambiguous loss is real. If a friendship's slow fade feels disorienting, there's a reason. Grief without a clear ending is harder for the brain to process. • Check in with yourself first. Before reaching out or pulling away, notice whether you're actually missing the person or just uncomfortable with the uncertainty. • Leave the door open for the people you love. A simple "I miss you, let's get together" often lands better than we fear. • You don't always owe a big conversation. Sometimes drifting away from a relationship that no longer fits is enough. Free Resource: The Friendship Audit Want to sort out where your friendships stand? The Friendship Audit helps you sort your friendships into thriving, resting, or maybe over. It's honest without being brutal. Get it free when you sign up for the Chasing Brighter newsletter at chasingbrighter.com/newsletter (https://chasingbrighter.com/newsletter/) . Next Week Your relationship with your partner is a friendship too. Tune in next week as we explore what friendship looks like inside an intimate relationship. friendship ambiguity, ambiguous loss, Pauline Boss, friendship drift, losing a friend, friendships in midlife, adult friendships, friendship breakup, growing apart from friends, friendship on pause, the ick, guilt and obligation in friendships, avoidant attachment, ghosting friends, how to reconnect with an old friend, missing a friend, empath, uncertainty and anxiety, friendship audit, women's friendships, mom friends, Chasing Brighter podcast, Becoming Not Arriving Connect With Us • Website: chasingbrighter.com (https://chasingbrighter.com/newsletter/) • Instagram: @chasingbrighter (  / chasingbrighter  ) • TikTok: @chasingbrighter (  / chasingbrighter  ) • Facebook: @chasingbrighter (  / chasingbrighter  ) • YouTube: @chasingbrighter (   / @chasingbrighter  ) • Newsletter: Sign up here (https://chasingbrighter.com/newsletter/)