Undergrad, Employee: ITV (Central) adverts, 27th July 1985

Was Planet of the Grapes really this long? Only there's a fourth break here. Starting with an advert for f'ttd k'tch'ns at Kitchen Creation, the CREATION OF KITCHENS. Pretty standard slideshow local furniture store advert, really, with branches all over the Central region like a rash, and they're going to go through every one of them very slowly and methodically. Probably one of the only times Worksop ever had its name in lights, though. Next is that Barry Lyndon-era cyder advert with the Joe Fagin/Wurzels abomination soundtrack. Next: Dettol protects your family. Your adorable babby, your shaggy dog who has to shake dry directly in the middle of the kitchen, your Victorian-era small daughter with a rag doll, your Zephon wars from Beta-3. All to an eighties power ballad that might well be belted by Stevie Vann Lange. I'm sure there were other singers the advertising industry could have used at the time, but she does seem to have showed up a lot. FEEL SAFE. After that, a car demonstrates that it can fit in all kinds of people and things from an enormously corpulent scoutmaster and his tiny wife to three misbehaving altarboys to a glam 80s showgirl, and still have room for a tuba, a chimney brush and a surfboard. Unfortunately it's still a Lada. Nice try making it look cute and fun, but it's a Lada. Next, what I assume is one of them soldiers who stand outside Buckingham Palace all day perfectly still being annoyed by tourists. It's the end of the day and he's taking off his uniform to take a shower and wash off the stank of hours standing around in the slowly moving sun. First he removes his completely pointless sword, because this is an advert for Wilkinson Sword, who make those, and also razor blades. What a coincidence, he has one of those as well, and smooths his lower face with it quite efficiently so he can go and meet up with his girlfriend and have her mess it up again. Flying blue CGI discs? It must be Tee Ess Beeeeee, the bank that likes to say yuppers. Still doing that rhyming patter song, here in the doomed hope that it'll appeal to YANG ADAWLTS of the mid-eighties. Look, jies, you get a chargecard and a cheque book and everything. And record vouchers at Virgin Megastores! And even a free music magazine - TSBeat - which I don't think lasted very long but look, there's Pat Benatar. Look, we're cool, okay? YES. It's the final week of the ELS Golden Summer Sale! OH GOD NO, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE. Oh, well, before that, why not buy a carpet or a bed or something, as recommended by this blonde bangs lady who I'm sure I should recognise and someone in the comments probably will. But don't forget, it's the final week. Of time.