If Your Dog Is Awake at 3 AM Watching You… PRETEND TO SLEEP

If your dog is ever awake at 3 AM, sitting up in your bed, watching you, do not open your eyes, do not change your breathing, and do not let it know you are awake. There are 7 rules. Most people break the second. This is an analog horror survival guide: a set of instructions for the night your dog stops sleeping. What to do when it sits up and stares, when it starts breathing in time with you, when the mattress dips one too many times, when it whispers in your voice, and why you should never say good morning. File 001 — NIGHT PROTOCOL. Issued by the Night Safety Bureau. Please follow all instructions. Then put the phone down. CHAPTERS 0:00 If your dog is awake at 3 AM 0:24 Before we had beds 0:49 Rule 1: Pretend to sleep 1:11 Rule 2: Put the phone down 1:38 Rule 3: Do not say its name 1:54 Case file 112 2:13 It is breathing with you 2:30 Rule 4: Stay on your side of the bed 2:49 Rule 5: Do not answer 3:16 Rule 6: The morning 3:50 Rule 7: [classified]