No-Crank No-Start PRNDL: '09 VW Routan/Dodge Caravan

This rebadged wannabe Euro VW Routan (aka Dodge Grand Caravan) "computer on wheels" minivan is refusing to start, but has no DTC's stored. Also the shifter is stuck in Park, and the PRNDL display is acting goofy. I take this diagnosis from scratch, as AllData is not of much help in this case. As with many modern vehicles, the bulk of diagnostic time is spent on researching information, and looking at scan data...but the fix does require some creativity under the hood :) Enjoy!