We'll Come Back Earlier: ITV (Border) adverts and continuity, News at Ten headlines, 27th June 1994

ITV and Diet Coke presented Movie Premiere! Yes, Dances With Wolves finally ended. Spoiler: we did a genocide, oops. Next, News at Ten, but first the obligatory promotional business. Here's an unshaven Timothy Spall as Frank, of Frank Stubbs Promotions plc. Apparently he's back, although I wasn't even aware he'd been here in the first place. But yes, this is season two of Frank Stubbs Promotes (minus the last word, as if that makes any difference) by Simon Nye, which ran for two summers and vanished off the face of the earth. Never even came out on DVD. Not even when Network was around. Straight into the adverts who needs an optical. Oh, Christ, it's another Rover. Actually, the 214 again on its outcrop with its rich Corinthian leather seats and whatever. Next, a squeaky-voiced bobbed blonde explains how running a Hotel means doing everything properly and keeping everything spotless at all times, which is why she uses whatever laundry detergent this is about on her tablecloths. Ariel, it's Ariel. Use that. Then there's those skinny backlit models for Vidal Sassoon again. After that, a fairly straightforward pub-set advert for cider (sorry, "cyder") is interrupted by Sapphire and Hitler. That is, an ostensibly time-travelling Joanna Lumley accompanied by Adrian Edmondson, effectively in character as Eddie Hitler, with the glasses and the voice, but an even stupider little fucking hat. Probably didn't move much c(y)ider. More repetition repetition! Gah, it's that sodding Metro advert again! I considered putting in some power electronics this time as a sort of protest, but that would just punish you the viewer. And then Border Television are finally exhausted and fall back on local styles. First, get some new eyeballs from Steven Rowe! They have those new ones that automatically adjust to light! Only 55 quid! (£116 today). Next, Tony Hawks still wants you to buy six tomatoes and get a free cucumber. IT'S ALL SAFEWAY CAN THINK OF. And your Border announcer Craig Austin is excited about the reasonably ugly furniture at Arthur S. Showroom's stores. And that's it. Now for trailers. How many seconds did it take you to realise this is a programme on Channel Four? Discordant music, expressionist visuals, feminist messaging: a celebration of women in music. Might have worked better as a promo if the music itself wasn't avant-garde dissonance, you're just giving the misogynists the perfect setup. Still, the Secret Chamber season begins tonight at 9 on 4. (The chamber is a vagina) Oh, and it's Border's Summer Movies season as well, as seen right at the beginning of this Odyssey. This one goes into detail about the films itself, though. So there's Ruthless People, the one film the Zaz boys made together that wasn't a parody. Still bloody good, though. Much better than this makes it look. On the other hand, Her Alibi should be quietly put out at 2 in the morning and forgotten about. It's actually worse than this makes it look. Next to that, Cocktail is a masterpiece, as opposed to a just-about-watchable fluff piece of no import whatsoever. Fortunately next up is a good movie: Beetlejuice! Recently sequelised for no apparent reason other than Tim Burton has lost control of his life. Quite well, though. Apparently. I haven't seen it. One film was the perfect amount. It was the only film to make the line "It's showtime" actually work. They weren't going to manage it twice. Hey, look, it's Jack Skellington's head! Finally: Tough Guys. Not a well-remembered film, because it wasn't particularly good, but a decent enough watch on the small screen. Basically Burt Lancaster and Kirk Douglas get out of jail in the mid-eighties with their 50s tough guy personas still intact. Doesn't live up to its potential but it's okay. Oh, yes, and there's a World Cup. Amid much generic American imagery (because they're the hosts) Craig Austin makes a correct prediction in the course of promoting Brazil vs Sweden (1-all; they meet again in the Semi and Brazil win 1-0). Tuesday at 8.30. And here's the Border ident, with Dundas's 1989 ITV theme, looking as classily impressionistic as it can on a clearly low budget. Craig Austin (there were other announcers, apparently) announces the News at Ten with Jason Orange and the late Reginald Bosanquet. Not really, it's Trevor MacDonald. And the headlines: Charles says (in that documentary that was trailed earlier) he was faithful...UNTIL John Majors just vetoed Jacques Delors' replacement in a bid to prove he has a pair of balls; it ultimately achieves nothing Some industrial dispute about trains is being negotiated endlessly British tennis players are still crap, Henman a couple of years away Charles III's title is still "Defender of the Faith" because no-one liked his idea.