You still live somewhere in me. — Love Playlist · Indie Pop

Not long ago, I reached out to my ex. I knew he'd never text first — if I wanted to hear his voice again, I was the one who had to make the call. It had been a while since I'd heard it, and God, I still loved that voice. Sweeter to me than any singer's. He sounded exactly the same. He was always the person I talked to most easily, out of anyone I've ever known. So even though we weren't together anymore, even talking — sadly — about why we broke up, about everything that came after, I ended up enjoying it more than I expected to. Like friends. Like really close friends. But not quite lovers either. Somewhere in that strange, undefined space between the two, we were, just for a moment, close again — tethered through the phone line. I wanted a word for it, something that was mine. What I landed on was "My Favorite Lost Forever." It works both ways: the person I'll love forever, now lost to me. Or the person I loved most, lost forever. Either way, nothing changes — I lost him, and I still love him. I know I'm supposed to be over him. But I couldn't pretend I wasn't still in it. So near the end of the call, when he said, "I really did love you," I couldn't hold it back — "I love you" just came out of me. "I Said I Love You." His voice cracked. He sounded sad, caught off guard, right on the edge of tears. He doesn't love me anymore, but there was something almost satisfying in knowing I could still do that to him — still make him cry. Honestly, before that call, I'd been furious at him. He promised me forever and then just left — how dare he. But hearing what he actually felt, finally, I could tell how much he'd loved me. Maybe he still does, I thought. Maybe he just never had the confidence to stay. So I tried writing it from his side — what it must have looked like from where he stood, letting me go. "Let You Go (Your POV)." He's still back there, somewhere in my mind — "Back of My Mind" — and maybe he always will be. I still flinch a little at the sound of his name. I still catch myself hoping some coincidence will bring us back together, still half-wishing, somehow, some way, that it'll end up being us again — "Still Wish It Was Us." I wonder if I cross his mind the way he crosses mine — every day — "Am I in Your Day?" And honestly, I just want to let myself keep liking him a little longer — "Just Let Me Like You." But none of that erases the fact that he was the one who walked away. Coldly. On his own terms. He's not coming back. The moment he said goodbye, he was already gone — "You Were Already Gone." So even if I keep him somewhere in my heart, I'm done waiting for him — "I Won't Wait." If I'd known, from the very beginning, everything this would cost — if I'd known exactly how it would end — would I still have gone through it? Yes. Without hesitating for a second. I'd have thrown myself in again, straight into him, into his love, into all of it, moth to flame. I keep thinking about how Elio must have felt after everything with Oliver in 'Call Me by Your Name' — a love that knew, going in, that it would end. That accepted every bad outcome up front and still held onto some small hope that maybe, somehow, that little paradise could last. And they jumped in anyway. I'm the same kind of person, I think. Someone who falls for the kind of love that starts already saying goodbye. "Start With Goodbye." I don't know how many more songs I'll end up writing about him. He just feels like something in me that never quite runs dry — a quiet river of starlight, some galaxy that keeps drifting through, slow and steady. If there's anyone out there who loved the way I did — fully, completely, everything they had — and still ended up grieving something that couldn't last, I hope this music finds you and gives you even a little comfort. I don't think our love is really over. Who knows what's still waiting out there. So I hope you get to be a little sad. And I hope you get to love a little more beautifully than before. Tracklist 00:00 I Said I Love You 04:59 I Won’t Wait 09:28 Back of My Mind 13:34 My Favorite Lost Forever 16:39 Let You Go (Your POV) 20:44 Still Wish It Was Us 24:47 Just Let Me Like You 28:52 Am I in Your Day 33:32 You Were Already Gone 37:04 Start With Goodbye Every song here started as a thought I couldn't say, a memory I couldn't let go of, a feeling I didn't have words for — until now. Thank you for listening, and for finding a piece of yourself somewhere in these songs. 🤍