The Long Game: What Actually Makes a Relationship Last? with Zoe Marshall | Before It Breaks S3E3

What actually makes a relationship last — not simply stay together, but continue to choose each other over years of children, careers, stress, change, resentment, intimacy, conflict and ordinary life? In Season 3, Episode 3 of Before It Breaks, Gabriella Pomare sits down with author, podcaster and media personality Zoe Marshall for an unusually honest conversation about long-term love, marriage, therapy, sex, attachment, parenting and the work that happens behind relationships that survive. After asking “Are we leaving too soon?” in Episode 2, Gabriella turns to the other side of the question. What makes people stay? Not because they are frightened to leave. Not because they think longevity itself equals success. But because there is still enough chemistry, respect, friendship, honesty and willingness to keep coming back to each other. Zoe and her husband Benji have been together for almost two decades and married for nearly 14 years. Their relationship has existed alongside professional sport, public life, media careers, travel, fertility, parenthood and enormous personal change. Zoe speaks openly about the fact that they have never treated their marriage as something that should simply run itself. IN THIS EPISODE Gabriella and Zoe explore: whether we are leaving relationships too quickly the difference between staying and continuing to choose someone chemistry and attraction in long-term relationships why sex and intimacy matter anxious and avoidant attachment patterns how Zoe and Benji changed an old conflict dynamic couples therapy before crisis why therapy does not mean a relationship is failing separate bedrooms and creating space inside a marriage why having different interests can actually help a relationship public relationships and protecting private family life career ambition and knowing when your partner needs support what children learn from watching their parents disagree rituals that keep couples and families connected whether friendship alone is enough why “boring” can sometimes mean safe dating your partner again after children THE RELATIONSHIP DOESN’T HAVE TO LOOK LIKE EVERYONE ELSE’S Zoe and Benji do some things differently. They sleep separately. They spend time apart. They have very different interests. Zoe is open about the fact that space can reduce resentment — sometimes something as ordinary as snoring, mess or constantly being in each other’s space can begin to change the emotional tone of a relationship. What matters is not whether your marriage follows someone else’s rules. It is whether the way you have built it allows both people to keep returning to each other. THERAPY BEFORE THE CRISIS One of the biggest themes in this conversation is the idea that couples therapy should not be treated as the emergency room of relationships. Zoe talks about using therapy during the good periods too — not simply when resentment, anger or contempt have already taken over. Gabriella and Zoe discuss why people will spend money on holidays, houses, shopping and everything else designed to make life feel better, yet often hesitate to invest in the relationship itself. Sometimes the most useful relationship work happens before you desperately need it. SEX, INTIMACY AND ACTUALLY LIKING EACH OTHER This is also a very candid conversation about sex. Zoe believes intimacy, touch and chemistry are things couples often do not take seriously enough. Because long-term relationships can become extremely functional. Children. Work. Bills. Dinner. School. The couch. The next episode. The phones. And suddenly you realise the person beside you has become your co-manager rather than somebody you still actively date. Zoe talks about making deliberate time together — even something as simple as lunch, champagne and a movie — and why it matters to remain curious about your partner’s inner world even when your lives are extremely different. ABOUT ZOE MARSHALL Zoe Marshall is an author, podcaster, media personality and the founder of Arise, where she works with women around growth and evolution of self through retreats, workshops, courses and community. ABOUT BEFORE IT BREAKS Before It Breaks with Gabriella Pomare is about modern love, real relationships and the conversations people often have too late. Gabriella explores what happens before the affair, before the resentment hardens, before intimacy disappears, before families change shape — and what repair can look like before a relationship reaches breaking point. DEAR GABRIELLA + DON’T DO WHAT I DID Have a relationship question you would never ask out loud? Submit a Dear Gabriella or Don’t Do What I Did anonymously through the link on Gabriella’s website or DM @thegabriellapomare on Instagram. Gabriella’s forthcoming book, Before It Breaks: A Modern Guide to Love, Conflict, Repair and the Conversations That Change Everything, is coming in early 2027.