1-800-CRYOGENICS (audio)

Got a problem in the present? Is your future looking bleak? Why suffer through another year When you could sleep? Call now! Bad date Rent’s late Everybody’s got a little something to hate Boss calls Car stalls Spent another paycheck staring at the same walls Don’t snap! Take a nap! Let a couple centuries handle all of that Step inside Looking good Leave your little problems in the neighborhood! Nice and easy! Take it slow! Anything you’d like to say before you go? “Will it hurt?” “Not a bit!” “Will it work?” “Let’s get you fitted!” ONE-EIGHT-HUNDRED! CRYOGENICS! Got a little problem? Freeze it and forget it! Brr-brr! Nighty-night! Someone in the future’s gonna make it right! ONE-EIGHT-HUNDRED! CRYOGENICS! Had enough of living? Take a little intermission! Sleep tight! Half price! Put your little problems On a block of ice! Pick pink Pick blue Pick a little coffin with a lovely view Deluxe Costs more Comes with little slippers and a heated floor “Wait, what?” “Never mind!” Sign beside the sentence that we underlined Eyes closed Count to ten We’ll be right here when you’re relevant again! No more meetings! No more debt! No more awkward dinners that you can’t forget! No more news! No more stress! Would you like to add our lifetime membership? ONE-EIGHT-HUNDRED! CRYOGENICS! Got a little problem? Freeze it and forget it! Brr-brr! Nighty-night! Someone in the future’s gonna make it right! ONE-EIGHT-HUNDRED! CRYOGENICS! Feeling existential? Freezing’s confidential! Ice cold! Dream big! You can start tomorrow Just forget you lived! Wake up! Brand-new day! All the little buildings have been swept away Red sky Three moons Someone’s playing jazz on a living balloon Rent due Times two Turns out all the interest was awake for you Boss calls “Where’ve you been?” “Love the new antenna! Can you still come in?” Cured the cold Cured the flu Still don’t know what any of us ought to do Flying cars Death’s delayed Still got twenty-seven billion bills that haven’t been paid Same shit Chrome trim Put me back in. FREEZE IT! SEAL IT! YOU DON’T HAVE TO FUCKING FEEL IT! CHILL IT! STORE IT! LET TOMORROW’S YOU PAY FOR IT! TOO MUCH PRESSURE? TOO MUCH PAIN? HAVE YOU TRIED SOME MORE ICE AGE?! ONE-EIGHT-HUNDRED! CRYOGENICS! Got a little problem? Freeze it and forget it! Brr-brr! Nighty-night! Someone in the future’s gonna make it right! ONE-EIGHT-HUNDRED! CRYOGENICS! Tried a different century? Sorry that you hated it! One more! Sleep tight! Maybe they’ll have fixed it By the next blue light! FREEZE! FREEZE! FREEZE! WHAT A DEAL! TAKE A LITTLE BREAK FROM EVERYTHING YOU FEEL! SWEET DREAMS! SLEEP TIGHT! LET A THOUSAND YEARS GO BY TONIGHT! GOODBYE, WORRY! GOODBYE, STRESS! TOMORROW’S GONNA LOVE YOUR FROZEN LITTLE MESS! STEP RIGHT UP! LIE RIGHT DOWN! BE THE COOLEST PERSON IN YOUR WHOLE DAMN TOWN! ONE-EIGHT-HUNDRED! CRYOGENICS! DON’T SWEAT IT! JUST FORGET IT! ONE-EIGHT-HUNDRED! CRYOGENICS! WHY FACE IT JUST REFRIGERATE IT?! CALL TODAAAAY! LET YOUR TROUBLES MELT AWAAAAAY! You stay frozen, though.