The Mistake Most People Make When They Try to Regulate Their Emotions

Ready to begin or deepen your meditation practice? Join Dan Harris and world-class meditation teachers on the 10% with Dan Harris app here: https://app.danharris.com/membership One of the worst feelings in life is losing your sh*t — especially losing it unnecessarily, and then having to walk it back, apologize, and clean up the mess. Today's returning fan-favorite guest — the self-described "Feelings Master" — has a specific, practical, five-step protocol for making that happen far less often. Dr. Marc Brackett is the founding director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence and the author of Permission to Feel and his latest, Dealing with Feeling. He's also got a third book on the way about being an "emotion ally" for other people. In this episode: – What emotion regulation actually is (spoiler: it's not "leaving your feelings at the door") – Proactive regulation — getting ready for the moment BEFORE the moment – The doorknob habit Marc uses walking into his own house – The "best self" concept, without the woo-woo — a specific inner character you can consult – Dan's own trio of internal characters — Robert, Arthur, and Teacher Dan – Why "true self" is a misnomer, and "reflexive self" is more accurate – Your best self is NOT a doormat — fierce compassion is on the menu – The 5-step Meta Moment — Sense, Stop, See your best self, Strategize, Self-assess – Marc's social-anxiety-eating problem at industry dinners, and the fix – Dan's Zoom-meeting problem — and the "it's showtime" reframe – Why one strategy doesn't fit all emotions (flexible or "poly" regulation) – Overwhelm needs micro-breaks; anxiety needs self-talk; relationship stuff needs perspective from friends – Marc's worst-self moment: the movie-book fight that led to a neighbor asking about "the wolves" – Aunt Sandy and the diamond ring — how curiosity beats reactivity – Emotion regulation as a creative process — "be like water" – Uncle Marvin — the improbable Westchester coincidence that seeded Marc's next book – What's Good — Dan on Joseph Ellis's Founding Brothers, and Marc on the case for play Marc's Meta Moment Strategy Builder worksheet is on his site: https://www.marcbrackett.com Subscribe to watch more 10% Happier videos:    / tenpercenthappier   Follow Dan Harris on Social Media:   / danharris     / danbharris     / danharrisabc     / danbharris     / dan-harris-91ba5716b   0:00:00 What emotion regulation actually is (and isn't) 0:04:00 The doorknob habit — Marc's own practice 0:06:00 The "best self" concept — Dan's Teacher Dan, Robert, and Arthur 0:19:00 Best self is NOT a doormat — fierce compassion is on the menu 0:25:00 The 5-step Meta Moment — Step 1: Sense the shift 0:27:00 Step 2: Stop — the breath, the walk away 0:32:00 Step 3: See your best self 0:35:00 Dan's Zoom-meeting example (and "it's showtime") 0:42:00 Step 4: Strategize — and why one strategy doesn't fit all emotions 0:46:00 Flexible regulation — matching the strategy to the feeling 0:56:00 Step 5: Self-assess (and Marc's own worst-self moment) 1:01:00 Aunt Sandy and the diamond ring — curiosity beats reactivity 1:07:00 Uncle Marvin — the paying-it-forward coincidence 1:10:00 What's Good — Founding Brothers, and the case for play #10PercentHappier #MarcBrackett #DealingWithFeeling Additional Resources: This episode is sponsored by: BetterHelp: Sign up and get 10% off at https://BetterHelp.com/HAPPIER CocoaVia:: Visit https://www.cocoavia.com/discount/HAP... and use my promo code HAPPIER at checkout for an extra 20% off, or check out your local Sprouts Farmers Market. Thanks to CocoaVia for sponsoring this episode! QUO: Try QUO for free PLUS get 20% off your first 6 months when you go to https://Quo.com/happier. FarmKind: If you give monthly through https://farmkind.giving/happier, FarmKind will boost your donation by 50%. Just 50 cents a day — $15 a month — can save 350 animals a year from suffering.