Episode 23: The Flirting Episode: Francesca Hogi on What Actually Builds Connection

Alyssa sits down with Francesca Hogi, love coach, founder of the True Love Society, two-time TED speaker, former corporate lawyer, and two-time Survivor contestant, for a conversation built around one deceptively simple idea: flirting is a skill, not a personality trait, and most of us were never taught it. Francesca breaks down her definition of flirting (words and actions that make someone feel seen, special, and acknowledged), why it has nothing to do with being “hit on,” and why she sees it as a foundational relationship skill rather than a prelude to dating. The conversation ranges from Francesca’s path from Survivor contestant to matchmaker to coach, into genuinely useful, practical territory: the “puke test” for knowing when there’s truly no chemistry versus just none yet, why she tells clients rejection isn’t real, and how flirting can actually spark chemistry that wasn’t there on date one. Alyssa connects a lot of this directly to her own four-date-minimum philosophy, and the two get into what dating would look like if they could rebuild it from scratch, plus Francesca’s “meet cute mindset” challenge that’s genuinely worth trying this week. You’ll also hear about: (00:39) Introducing Francesca Hogi: love coach, TED speaker, and two-time Survivor contestant (04:19) What Survivor taught her about connection that practicing law never did (07:14) The Fourth of July barbecue that accidentally led her to matchmaking school (12:03) What she learned matchmaking that most people never expect (15:02) Why she shifted from matchmaking to coaching: “teaching people to be their own matchmaker” (16:42) What led her to make flirting the topic of her TED talk (18:09) Francesca’s actual definition of flirting, and why it’s not about being sexy (19:42) Can you flirt by text? Her answer, and what “playful energy” actually looks like (23:11) The “puke test”: how to tell when there’s genuinely no chemistry (24:43) Why flirting can create chemistry that wasn’t there to begin with (26:34) Connecting this to Alyssa’s four-date-minimum approach (28:13) Why Francesca tells clients “rejection isn’t real” (30:40) What to say to someone who thinks flirting feels performative (34:38) The “fairy tale industrial complex” and why we don’t get taught how to date (43:43) What Francesca’s “dating needs to be rebuilt” Instagram post actually meant (46:00) Why dating needs subcultures instead of one-size-fits-all apps (50:37) The “meet cute mindset” challenge, and how it changed Francesca’s own dating life (52:41) Phones down, eyes up: the simplest shift with the biggest payoff Rate, Review & Follow The Dating Lab Listen on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. If this episode resonated, please rate, review, and share, it helps more people find the show. Music licensed through Soundstripe. Code: QVVA2GJLBYLTVIZK Learn More About Francesca Hogi: Visit her website: https://www.francescahogi.com/ Order her book, How to Find True Love: Unlock Your Romantic Flow and Create Lasting Relationships: https://www.francescahogi.com/book Follow Francesca on Instagram:   / dearfranny   Learn More About Alyssa Dineen: Visit Style My Profile: https://stylemyprofilenyc.com/ Follow Alyssa on Instagram: /alyssadineen Follow Alyssa on TikTok: /alyssadineen