travelling and killing hoping to get an answer from the universe as to why we exist

the courier wakes up every day with a constant feeling of impending doom. he feels forced to question everything, and every second is a battle against himself and his existential crisis. is this the only way to cope with the fact that he doesn't know where he is or why he is here? the fact that he will never know, together with the suffering he has to endure every day in the mojave desert, has gotten to him. was it datura? was he born like this? or is he the answer that other people have been waiting for from the universe?