The Same Damn Hole: An Exhausted Developer's Shanty - Vol. 1

The Same Damn Hole is an exhausted software developer’s sea shanty about hotfixes, recurring bugs, closed tickets that should never have been closed, and the moment somebody finally loses patience and says the obvious thing: Find the root cause. The ship keeps springing the same leak. The crew keeps patching it. Management keeps asking for one more quick fix. Eventually, the engine has opinions. This is Vol. 1 of a new series turning workplace absurdity into songs. Vol. 2 is already locked in. Vol. 3 is open. Got a work story that still makes you say “for fuck’s sake”? You’re welcome to drop it below. It might find its way into a future song in the series. Parental advisory: explicit language, questionable management decisions, and a crew that has absolutely had enough. 🎶⚓ Lyrics 🎶⚓ Oh, haul her up and hold her tight, We’ve got another leak tonight… There’s water running through the floor, We’ve seen this bloody hole before, Bring the pitch and bring the pine, Patch her up for one more time. The bosun says, she’ll hold till dawn, The ticket’s closed, the patch is on, She sails an hour, maybe two, Then through the same damn hole comes blue. PATCH THE HOLE! Patch the hole! BAIL HER DRY! Bail her dry! Keep her floating, don’t ask why! Hammer, tar and timber fine, Patch the bastard one more time, If she leaks where she leaked before… SOMEONE PATCH THE GODDAMN FLOOR! Hey! Hey! Heave and hold! Patch it quick before she’s cold! By Tuesday morn the patch is black, By Wednesday night the leak is back, It’s intermittent, says the mate, Worst four words a sailor states. Thursday brings a stronger board, Friday floods the lower ward, I touch the plank and scorch my hand… Now that was not part of the plan. The wood is hot, The seam is charred, Three different patches, Same damn scar. PATCH THE HOLE! Patch the hole! BAIL HER DRY! Bail her dry! Keep her floating, don’t ask why! Hammer, tar and timber fine, Patch the bastard one more time, But if the floor keeps burning through… MAYBE THE FUCKING HOLE AIN’T THE ISSUE! I crawl below with lamp in hand, Past pipes no sailor understands, There she growls behind the wall, Hot enough to roast us all. The engine shakes, the bearings scream, No bastard logged the rising steam, The timber round the housing glows, And suddenly… Ugh... I knew it! STOP. PATCHING. THE FUCKING HULL. Find out why it burns. You fix the hole, it burns again, How many times before we learn? Cool the engine. Check the line. Find the fault And fix it right. I am done with waking up To patch the same damn hole each night. Don’t hand me tar. Don’t hand me pine. Don’t tell me, ship it, she’ll be fine. FIND THE ROOT CAUSE. FIX IT THERE. Could you patch it once more, mate? …Fuck’s sake. Patch the hole… Patch the hole… Bail her dry… Bail her dry… Keep her floating, don’t ask why… Hammer, tar and timber fine, Patch the bastard one more time... Well, the engine’s gone, the ship is too, The captain’s hat went sailing through, We’ve each a plank, the sea is warm, And Jim found rum beneath his arm. A fishing raft has hauled us in, So pass the bottle, let’s begin, We’ve lost the ship, but reached the shore, AND WE AIN’T PATCHING SHIT NO MORE! NO MORE HOLES! No more holes! NO MORE TAR! No more tar! LET HIM PATCH! Let him patch! THAT DAMN SCAR! That damn scar! Raise your cup and drink it down, We lived to stagger into town, If another captain asks our crew To patch a hole that’s burning through… FIND THE ROOT CAUSE! Find the root cause! FIX IT RIGHT! Fix it right! OR WATCH THE FUCKING THING IGNITE! …Told you. #SeaShanty #DeveloperHumor #SoftwareEngineering #DarkComedy #FolkMusic