What if the problem isn’t the child – but the system they’re being asked to fit into?

In this episode, I’m joined by Sally Michaels, founder of Blue Squid, an alternative provision supporting young people aged 9–16 who are struggling to attend mainstream school. This is a fascinating and, at times, challenging conversation about neurodiversity, school avoidance, masking, shame and what can really be happening underneath a young person’s behaviour. Sally shares her experience as a former mainstream teacher, SENCO and school leader, and explains why some children who desperately want to learn simply cannot cope within their current school environment. We explore why a young person might appear completely “fine” at school, only to come home exhausted, angry, anxious or overwhelmed – and why home can sometimes be the place where everything they have held together all day finally comes out. We also discuss: • Why mainstream school doesn't work for every young person • Neurodiversity and the importance of autonomy • PDA – Pathological Demand Avoidance / Pervasive Drive for Autonomy • What fight, flight and dysregulation can look like in young people • Masking and the emotional release that can happen at home • The powerful role of shame • Why families experiencing school avoidance can feel incredibly alone • Why increased pressure can sometimes make things worse • What happens when parents feel they're losing control • The conflict between a teenager's growing need for independence and our instinct to protect them • Why understanding the person behind the behaviour matters One moment in our conversation particularly stayed with me. When Sally asked some of the young people she works with why they could engage and learn in her environment when they had struggled elsewhere, their answer was incredibly simple: “You’re nice to us.” Sometimes the question isn't: “How do we get this young person to comply?” Perhaps we need to ask: “What's happening for them – and what do they need from us?” If you are a parent or carer of a teenager, work in education, support neurodivergent young people or simply want to better understand the behaviour you see, I think you'll find a huge amount in this conversation. Sally will also be joining us at the Positive Parenting Summit on 15 May 2027, where she'll be sharing more of her expertise with parents and carers. Because better understanding can lead to better conversations – and ultimately, stronger relationships. 🎧 Subscribe for more conversations about communication, teenagers, parenting and navigating some of life's most difficult conversations.** 🔗 Find out more about Sally / Blue Squid: https://bluesquidlearning.com/ 🔗 Positive Parenting Summit: https://www.nickyperfect.com/positive... 🔗 Find out more about Nicky Perfect: https://www.nickyperfect.com #Neurodiversity #ParentingTeenagers #SchoolAvoidance #Teenagers #PositiveParenting #Parenting #ADHD #Autism #Communication #SEN