What if a black hole appeared in your kitchen?

One morning, a black hole appears above your kitchen island. It's 100 times smaller than a proton, but it weighs as much as the Great Pyramid. And every minute, its weight doubles. First the crumbs. Then the teaspoon, the mugs, the fridge, your house, your street, your town… the sea, the Earth, the Moon. And you, filming the whole thing in an indestructible suit. Worked out with real physics: every pull, every moment something gives way, and the speed of "the edge" (where the pull sideways matches normal gravity) comes from Newton's gravity with a mass that doubles every minute, checked in Python. How it unfolds: 1:50 the teaspoon leaves the saucer 6:29 the fridge walks across the floor 10:38 your house folds in 21:00 a double-decker bus tips over (past the UK's 28° tilt test) 37:51 London falls in, 100 km away 49:50 it weighs as much as the Earth, and it's the size of a 5p coin 65:52 the Moon is torn apart (story time, from the moment it appears) Chapters 0:00 The kettle's on 0:24 The teaspoon 0:48 The slope 1:12 Get out 1:38 The house folds 2:06 The drive 2:30 The street 2:56 The river turns round 3:20 The double-decker 3:46 Run 4:10 The Land Rover 4:34 The helicopter 5:00 Riding in 5:28 The sea comes inland 5:52 One storm 6:16 Elsewhere 6:38 The bowl closes 7:04 The Earth falls in 7:34 The Moon 7:58 And you 8:20 Looking up The rules • The black hole starts at 5.9 billion kg (the Great Pyramid) and doubles its mass every minute. • It gives off no Hawking radiation. A real one this small would release a Hiroshima's worth of energy every six seconds. • It stays where it appeared. A real one would drop through the floor and swing through the Earth and back every 84 minutes. • Friction and tipping thresholds are typical values (a car's tyres grip at about 0.7 g; a bus must pass a 28° tilt test). • When it's too small to see, the black hole is drawn far bigger than life (the video says so on screen). • Falling in at the end: for someone falling freely, the sky above turns red and dim, not blue (Hamilton's black hole flight simulations). • You're wearing an indestructible suit. Music: "Drifting at 432 Hz" by Unicorn Heads (YouTube Audio Library). Sound effects: BigSoundBank (CC0), Kenney "Impact Sounds" (CC0) and the YouTube Audio Library; the score's extra layers were made for this video. Textures, sky and garden models: Poly Haven (CC0). What absurd question should we answer next? Tell us in the comments. #whatif #blackhole #physics