Gopnik Gary- Woods Of Ohio

The boys. The woods. Ohio. A deeply stupid amount of bass. Cheap boots, tracksuits, midnight hike, Five boys dressed like we all share one bike. AK in the truck, flashlight in hand, No phone service, no actual plan. Grassman in the bushes, Frogman in the stream, Minerva Monster trying to clap some cheeks. We brought a trail cam, batteries, and snacks— Big Ohio girls are bringing the tracks. Squat! HEY! Stomp! HEY! Mud on the socks! HEY! Grassman heard the bass drop— Now he’s coming through the brush! OHIO WOODS! WITH THE BOYS! NO PHONE BARS! ALL BASS NOISE! Grassman, Frogman, shake the ground— Minerva Monster’s throwing his whole ass around! OHIO WOODS! WITH THE BOYS! BIG WOMEN! BIG FOOTPRINTS! BIG BASS NOISE! Squat by the creek till the daylight comes— Frogman’s in the water going thump, thump, thump! Big women on the trail, the boys act cool, One says, “Nice weather.” It’s forty-two. They’ve got proper boots and they’re leading the rave. We’re knee-deep in mud trying to throw up a wave. A howl from the ridge, a splash from the bog, Frogman on the log doing squats with a frog. Grassman filed a complaint with the park— Then took it back and yelled “BLYAT!” after dark. Left! Right! Left! Right! Squat so low we disappear from sight! Left! Right! Left! Right! Big Ohio women got the whole woods hyped! OHIO WOODS! WITH THE BOYS! NO PHONE BARS! ALL BASS NOISE! Grassman, Frogman, shake the ground— Minerva Monster’s throwing his whole ass around! OHIO WOODS! WITH THE BOYS! BIG WOMEN! BIG FOOTPRINTS! BIG BASS NOISE! Squat by the creek till the daylight comes— Frogman’s in the water going thump, thump, thump! Cryptids found: all of them. Big women impressed: surprisingly. Boys in the woods: still five. Volume: criminal.