I Spent 15 Years Making Myself Smaller. At 30, I’m Done.

I’m almost 30, and I think I’m finally done being embarrassed to exist. Chapters: 0:00 Turning 30 soon 1:50 Early Childhood 3:14 Little skater G. 4:42 The Gisi 6:04 Wanting to belong 7:22 Things escalated 10:45 The first exit 12:30 Talking about my sexual abuse 15:35 Psychiatry - Borderline - C-PTSD 17:13 The lowest Point 18:30 Trying to build a new life 23:30 Philosphy 27:27 Spirituality & Medidationcenter 31:40 Looking for my lost Mom 34:00 Building a new life 38:05 Healing 39:55 Why Youtube 42:17 Full Circle I grew up half Filipina and half German in a small town in Germany, survived childhood sexual abuse, bullying, addiction, mental health struggles and years of trying to figure out where I belong. Somewhere along the way there was also a Buddhist temple in Malaysia, a dog I found in the jungle, eight years without my mom, a C-PTSD diagnosis, philosophy, art, healing and a lot of questionable life decisions. This is the story of how I got here. But more than that, this video is about a question I’ve been thinking about a lot lately: What happens when you spend your childhood learning how to survive and then have to figure out how to actually live? I don’t have a perfect answer. I’m not making this channel because I’ve figured life out. Quite the opposite, actually. I want this to be a place where we can think out loud together about mental health, trauma and healing, philosophy, art, feminism, spirituality, relationships, mixed identity, culture, travel, politics and all the strange little things that make a life. Trauma is part of my lore. It’s not the entire plot. Other people telling their stories online genuinely changed what I thought was possible for my own life. Sometimes hope is just borrowing someone else’s imagination until you can build your own. So maybe this channel can be a little bit of that too. I spent a really long time learning how to survive. Now I want to find out how good this life can actually get. And maybe we can figure some of it out together. CONTENT NOTE This video discusses childhood sexual abuse, bullying, racism, homophobia/transphobia, drug use and addiction, mental health struggles and suicidal thoughts. Please take care of yourself while watching. Pause, skip sections or come back another time if you need to. IF YOU NEED SUPPORT If you are currently in crisis or struggling with suicidal thoughts, please reach out to someone you trust or a professional support service. 🇩🇪 Germany — TelefonSeelsorge 0800 1110111 0800 1110222 116 123 Free and available day and night. ⁠TelefonSeelsorge 🌍 International support Find free and confidential crisis support in your country: ⁠Find A Helpline ⁠Befrienders Worldwide If you are in immediate danger, contact your local emergency services. FIND ME ELSEWHERE Instagram → G.ofLove TikTok → G.angsterof.Love I’m G. an artist, educator, professional overthinker and apparently now a YouTuber. Welcome. ♡ #CPTSD #MentalHealth #Healing