Will I Ever Follow With You Again?

One morning after being home with the baby again until very, very late I started to think about my struggles with my faith. Since I came to this country I have only attended mass once and I had already committed a mortal sin prevented me from accepting communion. Before coming here I was a church regular (mostly) in communion and receiving a few times a week. In addition, I was reading the bible, catechism, and commentaries daily. I was listening to podcast such as Word on Fire, Ascension Press, Matt Fradd, etc. I was watching YouTube videos on any and all subjects related to the Catholic faith. Now, I'm lucky to even watch a YouTube short. They are a lot of recent news surrounding the church that I see in the news headlines but I skip right through them. When I go on Facebook it is filled with Catholic related material, but I just scroll past. The truth is I am ashamed, I fear to go to confession again in a country where the priest won't be able to understand what I am saying. Each day that I sin the goal post moves further back. Now I am struggling even more in my personal life and what to do with it. Yet, with all this I keep thinking of the faith. I am ashamed to watch simple video because I feel not worthy to dive back in, but the desire is always there. The beat and rhythm of my Lord calling me is there, yet I don't know the way back. Musically I wanted this song to sound like a Jelly Roll song, but I couldn't really get it to work. The voice was always 'too country' or 'too deep' no matter how I tried to make it work. I wanted it to feel loose, but very raw with a feel of hip-hop to it. After trying for a day to get it to work I decided to try random other styles. I had some good ballad feeling songs, but they felt 'old' like an 80's ballad Bette Midler may have sung. Then I tried for a more experimental song and had some decent sounding ones, but they felt... inappropriate given the lyrics. This brought me to another situation where I needed to work on the lyrics more, since they were originally more 'vague' about whom I was talking about. I finally came to a good balance with something that was slow enough to feel the emotion and words, but unique enough to not feel totally like a Christian ballad. ---------- [Verse 1] I wish to attend, I want to take part But the words here don’t reach my heart I think about You every day Lord, it’s so hard to keep my mind holy, to pray [Verse 2] Here it’s so hard to see Your face Here it’s so hard to feel Your grace Each road sign speaks a tongue I don’t know And with each turn I’m lost, Lord, I can’t find the road [Chorus - HOOK] Will I ever follow with You again? Will I ever walk beside my Savior and friend? I know You’re over the landscape, over the shore But from here I can’t find the door [HOOK] Jesus, will I ever follow with You again? [Interlude: Guitar slide solo] [Verse 3] I used to fear I was bound for hell For the sins I carried, the stories I’d tell Then baptism washed me clean, set me free Now I’m crying out, Lord, don’t let me drift from Thee [Bridge - HOOK] Father, guide me through this foreign land Take me back with Your gentle hand [HOOK] Lead me home, Lord, lead me home [Final Chorus - HOOK] Will I ever follow with You again? Will I ever walk beside my Savior and friend? [HOOK] Though I’m lost, I’ll keep calling Your name Till the day You lead me home again [HOOK] Jesus, will I ever follow with You again?